Nobody here but us chickens
by Trekdisco
Summary: Quark is sure he can get past Odo this time but then suddenly two uninvited guests appear while he's in the middle of his trade… Season 1-before Battle Lines.


Nobody here but us chickens.

Quark is sure he can get past Odo this time but then suddenly two uninvited guests appear while he's in the middle of his trade…

Newpetra and the Panjuski are names I invented and now have used. Their design is basically the look of many fairies but with Ferengi ears. I imagine their uniforms to look like those worn in _Galaxy Quest_. The scene in which Kira and Dax put on spacesuits is a typical two girls getting ready to go out. Set season 1, before 'Battle Lines'.

DS9 belongs to Paramount and no copyright infringement or offense intended.

Quark had a scheme that he was sure couldn't fail. Today a ship from a race called the Panjuski had docked and the crew were roaming the station.

The Panjuski were relatives of the Ferengi and they shared the fact Betazoids couldn't read them. On the other hand, they were nothing alike. The Panjuski were more like Humans or Bajorans, even Vulcans. They looked just like humans except they had pink, blue or purple hair and eyes the same colour as their mane. The only way you could tell they were related to the Ferengi at all was if you noticed their mini Ferengi ears. Otherwise they were the complete opposite.

Cmdr Newpetra was in charge of an exploration vessel called the Traveller (in our language, that is). The officers on board all wore navy blue, red or purple jumpsuits and a crescent combadge on their right. The Cmdr wore purple and had sky blue curls down to her waist. She was chatty although quite serious and her first officer, a male called Ronwin who had short purple hair, was also friendly. Quark had been disappointed they weren't bothered about profit. This race was welcoming, kind, pleasant-not at all like their greedy, vain and slimy cousins. At least they filled the bar meaning he made lots of cash.

The only one he particularly liked was Sharl, Newpetra's sister. She was quiet and slightly creepy, always sat down barely moving, her eyes darting about on her face which carried heavy make-up. For some reason she wore a wig that was pink, straight and tidily cut to her shoulders. You could tell it wasn't attached to her head by looking at the parting which clearly wasn't rooted in. She had a thick fringe which hid her forehead and never spoke. While the bubbly crew talked she would sit, wearing a long black dress with no badge. Even Newpetra didn't know what she was doing on the ship. Quark decided she might do business with him.

That was why, after the other Panjuski left, he went up to her and mentioned his plans. At first she remained silent but after a while she responded. That was where it all began. She said she desperately wanted gold. Quark was very pleased-he had loads of that. He'd obtained it a few months ago-after visiting his mum-when his vessel had picked up goods on a nearby planet. It was m-class and supported many beautiful plants but what he was interested was a cave full of loose chunks of gold. He'd taken as much as he could fit in his shuttle and there it remained. Sharl wanted it badly and he agreed to sell it to her for 200 bars of latinum. They would meet later that evening.

Sisko had organised a few away missions that day. O'Brien and Bashir had gone to Cardassia while he and Odo went to meet with some Klingons. Recently Kira and Dax went off to Bajor as to sort out some problems with the government. The mission was taking longer then they thought and hopefully they'd be back soon. Opaka discussed the situation warmly but after one of the leaders yakked on for ages even the Kai was asleep. Nerys had never realised that Jadzia snored so noisily before she woke up at the sound. They were awake just in time to hear the business being sorted. Finally they were free to go and, after bidding farewell to Opaka, they left for DS9. The journey was long and dull, the urge to fall asleep again strong. But when Dax nearly nodded off on the console they decided to put some music on. However, a lullaby wasn't exactly what they had in mind. As Jadzia started to dose off again Kira asked the computer to play some loud rock. The Trill woke up startled as a heavy beat kicked in. "Turn it off! Turn it off!" she shrieked, hands over her ears. "End music," Nerys said. The din stopped and the Major took off the ear defenders she'd been wearing. Dax realised what had happened and got back to her post, her friend satisfied.

They had been going for another five minutes when they arrived back at the station. They flew towards the shuttle bay and paused outside the doors. They waited, and waited, and still waited but clearly someone had locked them out. Worse still, a Klingon cruiser was approaching and they didn't look too pleasant…

Quark had sealed the shuttle bay so no-one could interrupt his plan. The Panjuski ship was docked nearby and he was scared someone would land inside and spot what was going on.

The barman went around the vessel checking everything was what it seemed. You could never be too careful with a shapeshifter about. He even checked his outrageously loud clothes just in case Odo had come up with a really clever disguise. Eventually it was set up and all he had to do now was wait.

With no warning the ship started firing, the small vessel taking heavy damage. The Klingons struck another blow and the two women were thrown to the floor. They struggled back to their seats and checked the sensors. "Shields are offline," said Kira. "Life support failing at 80%," Jadzia declared. They were shot again, sparks flying. The engine stopped abruptly and, as the girls sat in horror, the other ship flew off! "What was that all about?" Nerys wondered crossly. "Never mind that," Dax replied nervously, "our warp core's gonna breach in a minute!" They dumped the core into space whilst Kira tried to think what could have upset the Klingons. Then she remembered a story Odo told her about a small Ferengi ship robbing caves containing some chunks of rock painted gold that belonged to the empire that supposedly headed off to DS9 that the Klingons blamed the federation for. Obviously they'd been mistaken for the Ferengi and once the Klingons knew it they'd flown off quick. She explained her theory. "They mistook _us _for the Ferengi?" Jadzia questioned. She'd noticed that Klingons could be quite foolish. "Don't ask me how," Nerys responded. They tried hailing the station but it was no use; the console was broken. It was time for plan B.

It was then they spotted a small ship docked on a port. There was an airlock on it and a few portholes. They had only five minutes more oxygen left and they couldn't send out a distress call so they landed on the top and decided to get help from the crew. They'd have to push the door open but at least they had help. They walked over to the lockers to put on EVA suits.

Sharl had arrived. She'd sneaked off while her sister was busy and walked into the Traveller where Quark had ferried in all the gold. He'd asked his brother Rom to assist him and now it was all stuffed under the bed. The two Ferengi jumped up and down to make it fit neatly. But as soon as it was hidden suddenly it all sprang out again. In the end they took out some and shoved it in the sock drawers. The gold was no longer visible in Sharl's quarters. She paid Quark and then the Ferengi started to leave…before a strange noise began.

It came in through the com system. It was like a transmission only very crackly and no-one could interpret what it meant. It sounded like female voices although Quark didn't recognise them. They seemed to be talking to each other. The only thing was, what about?

"Ow!" said Kira, "My tank's sticking in my back." "Hold still," Dax urged, "you haven't got your suit on properly." (_What? _thought Nerys, _Have I got it round the wrong way or something? Now that would be a sight!_) "I put it on the way you're meant to." "Yes, but you did the straps up too tight. I'll adjust them." (_Straps? _thought Kira, _This is a spacesuit, not a backpack!_) "How tight are they meant to-OW!" "Sorry; stop wiggling. There, that's better." "Well, it's certainly comfier." "Er, Nerys, have you seen my helmet?" "I think you left it on the biobed." "Thanks. The thing about shuttles is they don't have dressing rooms so you have to make do with sickbay." "It would be a big help if they had a mirror so I could see what I looked like." "You can borrow mine." "Oh, thanks…WAIT A MINUTE, MY HAIR'S A MESS! Lucky I brought my comb." "Does my bottom look big in this?" "No; it looks fine. You think my suit matches my hairdo?" "They look perfect! Is my hair out the way?" "Yes, it's fine. You know where my helmet is?" "It's in the corner." At long last they were ready. They set off, just as the air ran out.

They spoke through a microphone inside their helmets. The suits had been damaged in the fight and each message was little crackly but understandable. They stepped outside onto the ship. Kira found walking around made her a little queasy. At one point one of her boots broke and made her leg float about in space. "Help!" she cried, standing like a panicked ballerina. "Your gravity boot just switched off," Jadzia answered, "I'll fix it." They fought trying to keep her foot in one place as Dax tried to switch it on again. Balancing in space wasn't exactly one of Nerys' specialities. Finally it was turned on. "Finished," said Jadzia and they walked over to the airlock. They knocked on it, hoping someone would notice them.

"What's that noise?" yelled Sharl. A terrible banging sound had begun, as though somebody was trying to break into the ship. "PIRATES!" panicked Rom, "They've come to get us! We're DOOMED!" "Stop jumping up and down like that," groaned Quark, "You're making me nervous." "But brother," the Ferengi protested, "There are pirates outside. They're going to rob this vessel and kill us!" "Rom," Quark moaned, "Don't be ridiculous; we're fine-" It was then they heard a huge crash and they turned to a window. Outside two figures were bashing the exterior, encased in Starfleet EVA suits. At first he thought they were Sisko and someone else but their shapes weren't ones he recognised. And anyway, if they got inside they would find out his plan. All he could do was leave them.

When no-one answered it was time for serious measures. They decided to wedge the door open but that is a little tricky if you don't have a crowbar handy. They used their hands. Eventually they gave up.

They returned to their shuttle and hunted for a phaser. A broken phaser, I add. (They found that out the hard way.) After ages of testing different ones they realised there were none that worked and tried to think what next. They used the phasers to whack the airlock but made no progress. As far as Kira could remember, not many people she'd heard of had to make a plan C. Probably because they had more equipment than them. There was Dax, crazily thwacking the ship with a spanner. Clearly she was running out of ideas too.

But what mystified her so much was that nobody seemed to notice them. Or at least didn't appear to.

"What's THAT noise?" Sharl was alarmed. "PIRATES!" cried Rom. "Rom, you idiot," whined Quark, "It's just some security officers spying on us. If we make up an excuse we can get past them." Then Sharl realised something; "Why didn't they come in through the airlock on the station?" Everyone froze. "I'm not sure," Quark replied. The people were unsuccessfully drilling through the entrance with phasers. They continued for ages before giving up. By this time Quark had observed them. They were women and the tools they used didn't seem to work. He couldn't remember their being many female guards and he wondered if one was Odo. After all, he was a changeling. But how had he found out about the scheme?

An hour passed, Rom whimpering, Sharl being scared and Quark thinking. By now the strangers were getting desperate. They set a tricorder to blow up and sparks went everywhere. They were in.

They opened the doors and climbed inside. One of them stepped forward and pressed a few controls. They closed the opening and tried to get into the ship. Heartbeats got faster as they came closer to getting inside. Quark had invented a cover story for his plan and hoped it would work. He only hoped they'd believe he was on a date with Sharl…so, err, soon…with his, err, brother around.

His attention was drawn to one of the figures. She was tall and appeared to have noticed him. Screaming, Rom dived into Sharl's bedroom and hid under the bed sheets. But Quark studied the woman. She was looking at him and mouthing words. Actually, she looked a lot like Jadzia…

HANG ON! Quark had thought she had been on an away mission earlier. She said she'd be back by 18:00 and it was past 20:00 now but he couldn't remember her returning. Had she been late and ended up stranded outside? Quark felt silly.

She seemed to be saying, "Quark! Let us in!" The other person turned round and it was Nerys, who was trying to override the lock. She was struggling and Dax started banging the window. "QUARK! It's me!" she yelled. The barman opened the doors.

Jadzia stepped inside and took off her helmet, shaking her hair free. "Quark!" she said, "Why didn't you open the airlock?" "We thought you were intruders," the Ferengi responded. "Intruders?" Dax was confused. "Pirates," Quark quoted Rom. "Who's she?" asked Kira, who'd come in abruptly. She pointed to Sharl. "We're on a date," Quark lied. "A date?" the Major wasn't convinced. "I'm Sharl," smiled the Panjuski. "Sharl?" Jadzia felt a sudden burst of déjà vu but she couldn't figure out what was wrong. "You're on a _date_?" Nerys said, clearly meaning 'Who in space would date Quark?' She noticed the woman's pink wig and stepped forward, tripping over her feet and landing in a heap on the floor. Dax helped her up.

The Bajoran got to her feet and straightened her suit. Her Trill friend relaxed and then suddenly caught sight of the ajar door to the bedroom. The bedroom with Rom whimpering under a blanket on a bed stuffed with gold. It was everywhere-in the drawers, under the table, inside the quilt (ouch!) and even the lamp. Was this Quark's version of the divine treasury? Or part of one of his schemes? Before anyone could stop her, she stepped inside. Someone had tried to hide a ton of gold in the room and boy were they terrible at it. Anyone could see what had happened. "Go away!" squeaked Rom. "_Quark!_" Jadzia wondered what he was up to now. He just about died when he saw the lady inside with the loot. She had her hands on her hips and she said, "You've got some explaining to do."

Quark had to confess. He was in a corner and Kira looked set to tell Odo. He was just about to admit his plan when Dax noticed something. She ran her tricorder on the gold and then looked at the readings. "Quark," she said, "You stole these rocks from the Klingons, didn't you." "I did not," the Ferengi protested, "They were just lying around. And it's gold, not rock. You hu-mons can't tell the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan." "It is rock; it's painted gold. The Klingons were gonna use it to decorate one of their houses. It's not valuable but the owner's very angry. He attacked our ship thinking it was yours."

Suddenly everything made sense. Their ship had been damaged and they'd been trapped outside because he'd shut the shuttle bay. And it was all because of him. "Let's see what security thinks of this," Nerys gripped his arm. Sharl spoke up. "No need," she said. Then Jadzia realised what was wrong. Sharl was an Andorian name, she knew it. And also, why did her hair look so weird? She didn't need to wonder anymore 'cos suddenly the Panjuski melted in front of her eyes into red goo. Then the gloop turned into the shape of Odo. Things started to make sense. Odo explained that he'd been suspicious about the vessel Quark had hired recently. He'd tried to look inside just in case he was hiding something but it was locked. However, he had seen a glint of gold through the window. He and Newpetra worked together to come up with a plan to catch Quark red-handed and it had worked.

Odo was about to arrest Quark when the barman ran off, only to meet Newpetra by the door. There was no escape; he and Rom (once prised off the bed) were taken to Odo's office and the "gold" was confiscated before being returned to the empire.

Kira and Dax's ship was recovered; the shuttle bay re-opened and soon the Traveller left the station.

Of course, Sharl wasn't on board. She was based on an imaginary friend of Newpetra's daughter, an imaginative (as you can imagine) 3-year-old named Crayse. Odo had turned into the pretend character and had fooled Quark into giving him all the info he needed to find out what he'd been covering. The plan had been exposed and the Ferengi was put in the brig for a month, Rom a week (he hadn't really been part of it).

Jadzia and Nerys were recovering after their adventure. Their suits had been put back in the shuttle (which had been fully fixed) and they were sat in their quarters discussing the situation. "Did Quark really think no-one was gonna notice that he'd hidden all those rocks in those spare quarters?" Kira wondered. "I'm not sure," Dax replied, giggling at the thought, "Anybody glimpsing that room would have seen what he'd been hiding."

The girls chatted on but meanwhile, in the brig, Quark sat down. He wiggled on his bottom but squealed; something was in his pants. He dug a hand through his trousers and pulled out a slip of rock. Now, how could he sell that…?

The end

Or is it…?


End file.
